Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
