i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
