shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
