yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
