I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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