I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
