It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
we're so committed to being not committed
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