If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
