What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
