maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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