apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Pants are for mortals
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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