I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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