Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Still dying that you shit outside
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
