Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
