Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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