I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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