I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
