If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
