The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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