Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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