my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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