I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
