I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
