one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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