Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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