Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
