The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
