Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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