They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
