when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm just crazy horny about you
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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