I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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