wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
