Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
