I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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