it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
