Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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