I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Barsexuality is the new black.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
