Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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