her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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