im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Mom said you looked used
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
