So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
