once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
