She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
