hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
