He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
