I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
