I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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