Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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