no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
