im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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