Plan B is the new Plan A
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
