I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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