thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
