My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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