god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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