I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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