I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
