I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
