My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
