Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
