This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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