You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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