if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
