So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
