I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
